Getting to the "Bottom" of ‘Roids in Baseball

To paraphrase Nolan Ryan, “Baseball turned its back[side] on ‘r[h]oids years ago.”

As a die-hard baseball fan, we feel all the recent fuss about ‘roids in baseball has been a real pain in the butt. We don't mean the stuff that Jose Canseco injected into his buddies’ buttocks. We’re talking hemorrhoids, which have been a thorn in baseball’s [back]side for almost as long, and appear to have caused more pain and consternation among players, than their abbreviated cousins. (It’s one thing to juice up, say “I did it to recover from injury,” and sign a $16 million contract- quite another to endure fissures in your anus.)

Just ask Kaz Matsui, who had to leave Astros’ spring trading to seek medical attention for his ‘rhoids – see below. That encouraged us to stop turning the other cheek and get to the bottom of the history of ‘rhoids in baseball.

1. Kaz Matsui
Last Sunday, Astros infielder Kaz Matsui had to leave spring training to seek medical treatment for “an ongoing issue with hemorrhoids.” The Astros’ GM was hopeful that Matsui could accelerate the “healing process.” An “issue” with hemorrhoids? “Healing process”? It almost sounds like Matsui’s going back to Houston to see a shrink, not a proctologist. And from this picture it looks like maybe that “healing process” is already underway.

2. George Brett
Before KazMat, the most celebrated attack of ‘rhoids in baseball was George Brett’s case in 1980. (We say “celebrated” because HS2 was a 10-year-old Phillies fan in 1980 when the Phils beat Brett’s Royals in the World Series.) Brett’s rectal problems caused him tremendous pain throughout the 1980 postseason and knocked him out of Game One of the World Series. He later commented that he was happy that people remembered him for the infamous 1983 Royals-Yankees pin-tar incident because otherwise he’d be remembered for his ‘rhoids. To put it another way, he’ll take the bat over the butt.

3. Don Zimmer
140-year old baseball icon Don Zimmer stars in a nationally-aired TV commercial for Preparation H. We tried valiantly but in vain to find the video on the web (if you can help us locate it we’d appreciate it). The best we can do is show you this pic of Zimmer and this classic Preparation H spot.

4. “Baseball stitch”
As final evidence of the intertwined relationship between hemorrhoids and baseball – imagine you’re a young rectal surgeon prepping for your first hemmorrhoidectomy (yes that’s what it’s called) and you need some crib notes. No worries – a colleague has posted a helpful step-by-step guide to the surgical procedure. And right there at Lucky No. 13 is this gem:

13. The mucosa (including the two edges of the pectinate line) and underlying deep veins are reapproximated using an over and over or baseball stitch after the clamp is removed.

Keep your fingers on the seams, doc.

So, baseball fans, whether you like it or not, you’ll have to get used to the uncomfortable reality that baseball and ‘rhoids and linked together for posterirority – er, posterity.